It's not finished but I want photographic proof before I fuck it up as is highly likely :P

Portrait

This was originally supposed to be a pencil drawing... pencil drawings bore me... this was much more fun... the fumes from the bleach where especially fun :D

good to forget :)

tonight has been good :) its been good to get fucked up enough to forget my hate... fucked up enough to forget the reasons as to why my appearance.... I say appearance in terms of physical and inner "beauty".... repulses me

I've been happy with who i am tonight.. well last night now.. it was a reminder of uni and how i have some amazing friends who I can have some amazing conversations with or just prat around like a 5 year old high on sugar

the emo self pity of last night feels like a freaking joke... but then someone has jokingly said i have bi-polar tendencies :P

Fed up

I'm fed up of feeling like this
I want to feel wanted.. needed.. loved

I want some one to hold my hand and just spend time with me

I'm fed up of sitting in my room by myself for hours on end staring at a laptop hoping someone will come online i can talk to without the conversation feeling forced... my god thats sad... im not even hoping for real conversation... im just hoping for someone to come and for them to say hi first, and for it to not just be me asking question after question as they get on with their life's....

and now I sound like a fucking bitching emo... but to be honest i dont care, I just want someone to want to spend some time with me, not for me to have to beg to see them... emo bitching over

This painting was going so well until I kept getting interrupted, so I gave up and now you get to look at the crappy emo painting!

My reasoning as to why cavemen are just a little bit shit

Disclaimer: This may make very little sense since it was written at 5 am... hell its nonsensical ramblings

I woke up this morning at 5 am after a dream in which I died, went to heaven only they didn't want to let me in due to my contempt for religion, but told them where to get off, walked in a god tried to kick me out but since I didn't give a shit he had no power over me (the Abrahamic god seems to work very well with fear) so then I decide to kill god, that was fun :D... end dream

so now I'm sat up thinking about this and what I would then do, first I go to earth and tell people to chill the fuck out, and stop all these wars over oil... hell it even looks like WWI was all over oil.... no one man is popular enough that his assassination would prompt a reaction like that. In my half asleep mind I then wonder how people will be sure that they are really hearing me or if they think they are going insane (since I'm invisible now... well I assumed I would be) so I tell everyone to scratch there nose at the same time... that way they all know everyone is in on it. I go on to tell them all religion is bull shit so no need to fight over that any more, and then give the world lots of magic batteries (yes I know this isn't all the worlds problems solved but it would be hard to fuck that world up, plus its 5am so yeah)

I then go onto think that since I was a church boy for all those years then maybe I got into heaven but the second I get there I am put under a delusion that allows me to rebel against god and bringing an end to religion, so god sat back and allowed to believe that I was sorting the worlds problems out, but he would have known that I would come to this conclusion but knew I wouldn't care as it would allow me to believe that I had either killed god or out smarted him in realising that, though I wouldn't have out smarted since this would have been his plan all along, but knew I would be happy thinking "you clever bastard god... I still think your a fucking useless shit though" and be able to be in heaven with him and still show pure contempt for him.... either that or I killed his useless ass.

I then began to think (well had been thinking the entire time) that for any of this to be even have possible (yes I know I'm talking crap and none of it is possible but this was my thought process) then I would have to have a physical body since thoughts are just firings of electrons in a bit of meat. I then went on to think how none of truly have free will since our brain is just a very complicated computer where input determines output, the more input there is the more "intelligent" an output you get. We have been receiving input for billions of years (both before the individual is born and during the individuals life) so it's a complicated procedure but still boils down to input=output. Because it is complicated we have a misplaced sense of importance and intelligence which in itself is a result of input. This then got me thinking about the evolution of man and eventually came to the conclusion that if cavemen hadn't been so scared of the dark the likely hood of religion coming into existence goes down (yes I know there is more to it than that but I'm getting bored of typing), so if there was no such thing as religion I wouldn't be laying here at 5 fucking am when I have work at 9.... stupid ass cavemen.... also this is why I never answer honestly when people ask me what I'm thinking about... it takes too long to explain.